You know that feeling when you find out about something a week too late to do anything about it? No? You are so lucky.
This morning I found out that an entire week ago I totally let Sadie down. I feel so incredibly shitty.
She is in dance, and apparently last week was the last week of class. For the last week of class they have PARENT PARTICIPATION day. Guess who didn’t have a parent participating with her?
Instead I was preparing for a board meeting. I totally would have skipped that though, to be there for her.
Instead, she was alone, while EVERYONE else in the class had a parent with her.
They had sent out an email, but it their emails have been going to my spam folder. Brett gets the email, but forgot about the participation day until the 30 minutes before he was set to pick her up.
Apparently when she came out of class and he was sitting in the lobby she mentioned something to him, and she was really sad, but no one told me about it.
UNTIL THIS MORNING.
AN ENTIRE WEEK LATER.
I can not get the thought of how Sadie must have felt out of my head. She is so sensitive. I can’t even imagine how horrible she felt.
No one tells you when you become a parent how completely horrible you feel when you fuck up. It’s like all your own childhood issues come crashing in on you AND you get to make someone you love more than your own self hurt incredibly. It’s like getting punched in the face and kicked in the ass at the same time.
I talked to her about it this morning and told her how awful I feel, and that I was really surprised she hadn’t mentioned it. It’s the not mentioning it part that even makes me feel worse. She went a whole week just eating it.
I can’t even tell you. At this moment I totally understand why people drink. If I could erase the thought of her all alone while everyone else in her class had their loving and doting family member with them, I would. I have been with her to the parent observation class in the past and she looooooved having me there. OH MY GOD. I feel so shitty right now.
Gotta run and hide under the covers and try not to start a substance abuse problem. Then formulate some better plans about tracking my time. Then pick up Sadie from school and figure out how to better communications with her. Shit shit shit.
I know I won’t be able to blot out my stupid imagination and being able to perfectly picture her broken hearted face though. I need to go cry.